Feeling Torn

First let me say, sorry for neglecting my blog as of recent.  Let’s just say I have felt torn in about a hundred different directions in this past month.  Do you guys ever get like that?  I swear even if there were thirty hours in a day right now, I probably would not get everything done that needs to be done.

This past month has not only been busy (I mean the kind of busy when you feel like your hair is on fire) but it has also been a time of prioritizing.  As you guys know, I started my own business.   To be honest, I wasn’t completely prepared for how much time and effort it was going to take.  I know, I probably should have expected it, but I didn’t.  This isn’t a complaint.  I have enjoyed myself, but I have been really busy.  I have had a lot of emotional ups and downs over the last month and a half, and more than once I have had the feeling that I should just quit.  I have had some great successes, but I have also had some failures and rejection.  It has been a distinct mix of exhilaration and excitement, and total discouragement.   It has been a time of learning to rely on God to help me do a sales business when I am not a sales person.  I have been a social worker for most of my life, living in a non profit world and a mom, but never a sales person.

I have had to really learn to prioritize my time.  I have had to pray about what God wants me to be doing.  As a result I have had to let somethings go.  Somethings, small others were larger.  For example,  I had every intention of continuing to baby sit as well as run my business.  That quickly became apparent that it wasn’t realistic.  The decision to stop was made easier by the mom of the child I was babysitting.  She kept dropping baby off here sick, thus getting my kids sick, thus giving me doctors bills, thus all the money I was making was going out the door.  After prayerful consideration, it was clear that babysitting was not something I could continue to manage to do.  I couldn’t devote enough attention to the child I was babysitting and that child deserved something I am not able to give right now.   I also couldn’t justify continuing to allow my entire family to be sick nearly continually.  We just can’t afford to be sick constantly, which I am sure no one really can afford that. I miss the little girl, but it has reduced my stress and my family is much healthier.  It has allowed me to give more to my kids and to my new business, which takes a surprising amount of time at the moment.

I am learning through this that I really can’t do everything that needs to be done on my own!  Every time I have started to feel like, OK I am good I have everything under control, something happens and I realize, nope I need God.  I need God to help me carry the load.  I need God to help me have enough grace to build my little business.  I need God to provide for my family.  I need God to help me feel like I am sort of sane, when things around me are feeling chaotic.  I need God’s love, I need the support and encouragement only He can give.  Through this I am learning to lean on God and not on myself.   I can’t really put into words how much this has shown me that I need Jesus in every single area of my life.  I am weak and He is strong.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

I have noticed something, every time I have been discouraged over the last month and a half, and I turn to the Lord.  He strengthens me and he provides exactly what I needed.  My business has done pretty well so far, but let me tell you, it has not been by my strength.  Everything (and I mean everything) I have done in my strength has fallen flat.  God is faithful and He has provided.


2 thoughts on “Feeling Torn

  1. It is so inspiring to have read this and to hear another talk of how awesome God is. I never forget that, but there are times I forget to ask for His help. I know that is why He puts people like you in my path. Thank you and thank you for visiting my page.


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